What can I say about 2017?

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start…

2017 was a really rough year for me. It was filled with difficulty, trying times, and pain.

It was really a year of sacrifice. Putting off my own goals, dreams, and ambitions, to care for other people. A task, I will never regret! I feel honored to have been able to do so, but the reality is, while doing that, I wasn’t making any progress within my own life.

Although a challenging year, I realize all was not bad. I can honestly say that I learned so much about life in general, as well as aspects of myself, that were so vital to my development as a woman, and my individual growth. I was able to see how much of a caregiver and nurturer I am, which are great qualities… But I learned that I must find a healthy balance. I can never give more of myself to others, than I do to myself. In friendships, I am the one always going above and beyond, but I often find out when I need them, I’m often alone. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing either, because I realize that I often do better handling situations by myself. That’s one of my inner strengths, the fact that I can stand alone, and be okay with that! However, knowing that I thrive in these settings and situations, still doesn’t make it right to be neglected and mistreated by others. I have to hold them in accountable.

I’ve also learned that I had become complacent. So used to how things were, I had really fallen into my very own “sunken place”, and hadn’t even realized it. I had just become so settled with where I was in life, it had become comfortable to me. That’s scary! Everyone knows nothing great comes out of comfort zones. I had gotten to the point where I wanted more out of life, but hidden somewhere deep down within, I felt like it wouldn’t happen… Glad I finally snapped out of that! 2017 allowed me to go through that time, then realize where I was, so that I could make the decision to make changes and move forward. The self-awareness was amazing! I’m back on track, I know what I want, and I remind myself daily that I have “to get there”, no matter what!

I truly want to go into 2018, bettering myself. This year was so heavy, but I recognize the growth that I’ve made and how far I’ve come. I have a better understanding of who I am, what I want, and what I stand for. And it’s crazy because growing, I always had a strong sense of self, and I guess throughout the hustle and bustle of these past few years, I lost sight of that. Glad I have it back!

I realize that I have to put me first!!!! And there’s nothing wrong with that. So often, strong individuals feel “selfish” for thinking about themselves, but we often miss the concept that if we’re not taking care of ourselves, we are actually weakening ourselves, becoming a disservice to ourselves as well as the very same people we are trying to help.

In regards to friendship, I have truly learned a lot!!! Smh. Lol. I realized who are there for me, who sincerely wish me well, and who genuine want me to succeed. I understand and identify those that may seem “cool” or “fun” people to be around, but who I have to keep at a distance because of their reputation, characteristics, and negativity. I was able to realize that some people, no matter how long you’ve known them, will never change! I have to stop making excuses for their behavior just because we’ve been friends from “way back”. I’m learning that there are people that I have just met, that have better intentions for than some of my old friends. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. I’ve come to the realization that some people are just selfish people. Point. Blank. Period. They will never admit their wrongs, and they want to always see themselves as right. They think that if they admit they’re wrong, that means they’re a bad person, failing to realize not admitting their wrongs is what make them appear that way, and what destroys friendships. And even though they get could have done things better, they will try to convince themselves and others, making up all of these excuses so as to not look bad even, if that means throwing you under the bus. These people, I have to leave in 2018! This year really provided me with the eye-opening revelations that some people, no matter how much I want to pull them along, cannot come along on this journey.  It was a tough pill to swallow, but it was necessary. Some people simply carry to much drama, mess, pettiness, and baggage, and I can’t be associated with that. I cannot allow their issues to bring me down, and stop me from going where I need to in life.

I’ve always had a great understanding of people in general, even as a child, and I think now I have accepted that and I use that to really deal with people and understand where they are coming from. I see certain things and have the ability to analyze not just what I see, but what’s hidden under the surface. I understand that I can’t change them, I have to meet them where they are. I also know that a lot of times peoples issues are not so much with others, but it’s their own personal insecurities that they project on to other people. There are people that will try to sabotage you, talk bad about you, and wish you failure, not because you’ve done something wrong to them, but because of how they feel about themselves. Seeing you, brings up those feelings and emotional baggage from their past that they never dealt with. So instead of addressing it, they’ll take it out on you. I’m learning that these people are the ones you have to love in spite of. Trust me, forgiveness is hard!!! Especially if the party hasn’t apologized! But getting to forgiveness is a necessary journey, and we have to be willing participants, because this is something God requires of us! Knowing this, it’s something that I have to put effort into, no matter how wrong someone has done me, because that resentment can turn into bitterness, and I can’t be used by God with that in me.

I have seen people abuse others, the church, ministries, and their leadership. I’ve also seen how they have used manipulation to try destroy people’s names, their influence, and the call they have been given, all to promote themselves and their selfish ambitions. Me as a natural protector, I immediately want to get in defense mode to defend everyone that has been wrong, especially when I can see and discern what these folks are trying to do. But throughout this process, I have learned that as hard as it is, I have to let go of these situations, and let God handle it! A part of maturing is trusting God to do it, even if I don’t personally see it take place.

I am trying to come to a place where I can be pleasing in God’s sight. I have enough of my own issues to work on, to be focused on others, and allowing them to bring me down! I want the favor of God to rest on my life, and in order to have that, I have to act like Him! There is nothing we are going through that He hasn’t seen or gone through Himself, so I just have to trust Him and “The Process”. Along with this trust is a fight! Fight to continue on, no matter how tired I get, how disappointed I become, or how dim things seem… I have to fight to be what God has called me to be!

One of things that I am most grateful for in 2017, is “Clarity for the Journey”. I have a sense of direction that I haven’t had in a long time. I truly know what I want to do, and how I can make an impact on this world! I feel I have so much to offer, and while I’m beginning to realize some of these specific things, there are others which I knew about but I never really acted upon. I’m grateful for the confidence to now do so. I’m just really at the place in my life where I have to “seize the day” and get to what really matters to me. There are so many goals that I want to accomplish. So many great things that I have to do, that I can no longer stand in my own way! I’m fighting every day to get back to that old “Cha” that saw what she wanted, went after it, and didn’t stop until she got it! I know “life” has taken that tenacity and ambition away from me, but I have to take it back! …I think I’m well on my way! 🙂

One of my greatest flaws is fear. I have truly allowed it to run my life, and in 2018 I want to make a conscious effort to overcome it! I can no longer permit that to be a stumbling block for me, and allow me to pass up great opportunities because of it. I had someone really close to me just recently say, that I could possibly miss out on some incredible things in life that I truly deserve if I don’t step out of my comfort zone. Some things, I will never get the chance to get back again… This was such an eye-opener, because I don’t want to delay my own growth or what God has for me, or to miss out on something really special because I’m blinded by fear. Another great nugget of wisdom I was able to come across this year!

Of course, I have to mentioned the death of my sweetheart, my bestfriend, my pastor, and my mother, affectionately known as “MaMa”. If you’ve been reading my prior blog entries, you know I have been chronicling my thoughts throughout this entire process. I was not prepared for something like this to happen (ever), but especially at the time that it did. 2017 will hold a lot of weight in my life for this very reason. Losing her, is something we’re still trying to come to grips with every day, but I’m glad with how I have been able to handle it… I’m not a crier. I have restrained from emotional eating lol. I have remained happy and spreading joy to others around me who I know are having a particularly difficult time in dealing with this. I think in every situation everyone involved has their own unique purpose and I think in this situation it was to bring joy unto others, keep the mood light and fresh and to recall good memories, that will keep MaMa’s memory alive, but in a way that it wasn’t to heavy or depressing to anyone else.

My STRENGTH has really shown itself throughout this entire process!

MaMa always said I was like her in that regard, with both of us often reacting the same way in such situations. But when losing my rock, I would have thought all of that strength I had before would have went out the window. But it didn’t. It remained right there! I have to be strong for everyone around me. Be the calm in the storm. That’s a role and responsibility I take seriously. She always warned me this day would come, blessed to have been able to do what she always said I could do in such a situation.

I can really feel O.B. rising inside of me. And now I realize that as a mother, she saw so much in me that I was never able to see in myself. These things are starting to reveal themselves in time, which I am often at a loss of words about.

Whew, 2017 has definitely been a journey…

It was filled with many obstacles, setbacks, and pain. But I made it through it all!!! I learned so much during this year, that I can honestly say I am a better person for it! I am getting back to me and I love it!

 

2017, I appreciated all the lessons learned, all the dirt and rain which allowed me to grow.

2018, I’m ready for you! I can’t wait to see the great things that are in store for my future!

 

Wishing everyone a Happy Holiday and a prosperous, blessed New Year!

~ Cha ~